The Management Mythbuster

Customer service - why is it usually form over substance?

Customer service has become an all consuming mantra.  Any self respecting organization must emphasize its focus (often using adjectives like insane, passionate and dedicated) on customers, yet the reality is that most customer service is superficial. It consists of mechanical actions that lack genuine commitment and which are rarely backed by any authority to actually do something meaningful. Consider the following examples:       

1 "Can I help you sir?"  This is not bad in of itself but all too often I am asked this questions five times within three minutes of entering a store.  First, I am quite capable of asking for help if I need it so please just leave me alone. And second, if I do ask for your help, don't tell me that "Everything we have is on display" or "I'm sorry that's not my department."  Even worse is when the answer is "I don't know."  I received a call this morning from Bank of America who are theoretically handling my mortgage refinancing.  I have got this call every week for the past eleven weeks and every week it goes like this: a very polite person inquires if they can help me in anyway; I ask, "Can you tell me when the process will be complete?" they say, "I don't know sir, but I am sure it won't be long." Well thanks a bloody lot!

2. "Did you find everything you need?"  This is a retail favorite and most of the time I robotically answer with a dismissive "Yes." However once in a while I answer, "No." Typically this produces a reaction ranging from shock to bewilderment accompanied by absolutely no idea as to what to say next. If you can't do anything about it - don't ask.

3. "Excuse me sir"  This is usually uttered by the check-in clerk at a hotel.  I am standing in front of them trying to get my room key when the phone rings.  Suddenly I become invisible and the "answer every call on or before the second ring" mantra kicks in.  I then stand patiently as some idiot on the 8th floor asks for detailed reviews of fifteen local steak houses.

4. "How was your meal?" I don't mind getting this question once, but four times in eight minutes is bit much, particularly when it interrupts a conversation.  Why can't restaurant managers get it in their thick heads that when I am talking to my wife, children or a business associate it is not alright to interrupt?

If you want to serve me - just deliver what is promised and get the hell out of my way -  so there!

What the critics say...Half the World Away!

Rather like The Beatles, my new book Half the World Away was rejected by many before true talent was spotted (thank you Countinghouse press!). Like all aspiring authors I have assembled a sizable collection of rejection letters. 

Unlike my fellow Brits who wallow in failure and glory in disappointment, I have adopted my American persona of viewing all setbacks as mere learning experiences or teachable moments and have turned rejection into marketing capital.  So here are selected comments, reproduced verbatim from my considerable stack of rejection letters. Hopefully will lead to one or more of these publishers to be compared to Dick Rowe of Decca Records who was the most famous rejecter of the Fab Four.

“I truly had a fantastic time reading this - David’s wit and humor are second to none.”

“brims with energy …good hearted humor”

“a funny intelligent writer”

“Witty and fun to read”

“a highly entertaining read”

“Fun and fresh”

You can buy your personally signed copies at sonaxbooks.com and also help kiva.org a great charity doing outstanding work around the world.

Half The World Away - what the critics will be saying!

“What do a twelve step program for sex addicts, getting naked at a Schvitz, a convention of plastic surgeons, using a minivan as a bobsled, and George III have in common? Yup – They’re all Half the World Away.”

“Half the World Away is exposes of all that is normal in America.”

“Forget Harry Potter and The DaVinci Code, Half the World Away, sets a new benchmark for modern literature.”

“Bill Bryson with attitude and a bald patch”

“Half the World Away does for Anglo-American relations what Bill Gates did to the typewriter.”

“The British Are Coming – can we please stop them?” 

“Axson wrote Half the World Away? Pity he didn’t stay there!”

Chaptography part 4...Axson has left the building

Both Sides Now is a superb song and I admit Joni Mitchell has grown on me over the years. There is also a lovely version by Clannad and Paul Young.

Cold Hard Bitch is by a band called Jet, the best group to emerge from Australia since AC/DC.

Eleanor Put Your Boots On is a track from the album You Could Have It So Much Better by Franz Ferdinand and is one of three songs containing my daughter’s name that I love. The other two are, Lady Eleanor by Lindisfarne and Eleanor Rigby by The Beatles.

Money for Nothing by Dire Straits, with vocal contributions from Sting, seemed to define MTV in the 1980’s―British of course.

Wild Thing by The Troggs is a great rock anthem from 1966. Sung by the “other Presley” Troggs front man, Reg!

Jailbreak by Thin Lizzy. I prefer The Boys Are Back in Town but this song still rocks.

London Calling. Forget the Sex Pistols, The Clash were the best British punk rock band, bar none.

White Wedding. Billy Idol, former lead singer with the punk group Generation X, made it big in America as a solo artist.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want was the perfectly ironic title for a chapter about Las Vegas. I love the Stones and this is my favourite Mick and Keith composition.

Texas by Chris Rea has a great driving beat, perfect to accompany a long cruise across the Lone Star state.

Merry Christmas Everybody is the best Christmas song ever. Images of Noddy Holder and Dave Hill still make me smile at the memory.

Wake Me Up When September Ends is from Green Day’s album, American Idiot, which was the original title of this book. It’s the most melodic song on an excellent album.

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For comes from the U2 album The Joshua Tree that elevated the group to superstar status. Listening to this track it’s easy to hear why.

Chaptography part 2...turning up the volume

Half The World Away or HTWA to those in the know was written over sixteen years and rejected by more than 30 publishers! I think The Beatles were rejected by about the same number of record labels so that must be a good omen. Here are some more classic chapter titles - try and guess the subject matter - its not that hard!

Calling America by ELO is a guilty pleasure -- you're not supposed to admit to liking ELO. Their 1976 song Livin’ Thing topped a UK magazine poll in 2006 as the number 1 “guilty pleasure” as in the un-cool record it’s okay to love. Well no one has ever accused me of being cool.    

Main Street is classic American rock and no one personifies that genre better than Bob Seger. His lyrics accurately describe the typical Midwest town–my home for last nineteen years.    

Davy’s on the Road Again by Manfred Mann is all about my working life.    

Sweet Child of Mine is the definitive Guns n’ Roses song; it should really be Sweet Children of Mine since I have two of them.    

Eight Days a Week by The Beatles. Written by Paul McCartney based on one of Ringo’s absurd comments, think also of A Hard Days Night. The Fab Four were my first musical love as I apparently used to sing She Loves You while sitting in my high chair, as a three year-old back in ’64.    

I’m Going Home is 11 minutes 40 seconds of over the top R’n’B by Ten Years After and their lead guitarist, Alvin Lee—Brits who rocked at Woodstock.    

You’re so Vain could be the theme song for modern America. Whether Carly Simon wrote this about Warren Beatty remains unknown, but it accurately describes the cult of personality that pervades America.

I Can’t Stand the Rain is Tina at her best. Surely the sexiest 40, 50 and 60 year-old ever? Those legs set atop the towering stilettos…

My new book is on the presses! Witty, poignant, uplifting - it's none of these!

My new book, Half the World Away is rolling off the presses as I type these words - its sure to be a blockbuster! Dan Brown won't know what's hit him. Not only is it supposed to be funny, its also got a killer soundtrack - every chapter title is a classic.  So here is the first part of the chaptography - stay tuned for more ...

First the book’s title, Half the World Away is a lovely song by Oasis one of the top British bands of the nineties. Led by the erratic Gallagher brothers, Oasis emerged from Manchester not twenty miles from where I grew up and I shared a Concorde flight with them back in the mid-nineties.    

In the Beginning is the first track from the Moody Blues 1969 album On Threshold of a Dream. The album reached number one in the UK and number twenty in the U.S. The Moody Blues were the first band I ever saw live in Stafford, England and remain a favourite.  A sound start I think.    

Celluloid Heroes is a great Kinks track, at 7 minutes 21 seconds it is long by Kinks standards. The story Ray Davies tells captures the sadness that lies just below the surface in LA.

California Girls by the Beach Boys is an obvious choice. Does any group or song better capture the image of Southern California?

San Francisco by Scott McKenzie is another no-brainer. The song represents the time when San Francisco acquired its reputation as one of the most tolerant and laid back cities in the world. Much has changed but this unique city still retains some elements of that calm.

Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me is one of Elton John’s classics.  A sad song, sung beautifully.

Leaving New York by REM is from the group’s 2004 album Around the Sun. The title suggests my preferred state while in the Big Apple--leaving!

Coming next ELO, Bob Seger, Guns 'n Roses and much much more...

Watch out Bill Bryson and J.K. Rowling - Axson's coming!

The greatest book ever-written by a fat, 47-year-old Brit living in Akron Ohio is slated for publication on September 15th - the author's birthday no less - perfect market timing don't you think?

Half the World Away is unique in the annals of publishing and is sure to set new benchmarks in the literary world.  A humorous romp through my 20-year American odyssey from wide-eyed naive tourist to fully-fledged citizen, it chronicles encounters with deer while riding a Harley, observations at a sales convention for the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, class warfare in North East Ohio, unique cultural experiences at the Cleveland Schvitz and much, much more...

To whet your appetite here is the cover art -- watch this space for the the next exciting installment in the Half the World Away over-hyped launch campaign...

It is sad but at least I made an effort

Perfect day here in Catalonia - managed a quick drive into France but then returned to the relative civilisation of Spain.  Foolishly embarked upon a bike ride this afternoon.  I am too old, fat, unfit, and stiff to try such things but I think I made it about 20km. I like the metric system - when I ride it inflates the number, 20K is so much more macho than 12.4274 miles and 110 kilos sounds a lot better than the equivalent in pounds (no, I am not telling you what it is, if you want to laugh at me, look it up yourself).

Surprisingly I survived the ride -  the worst part was the friction generated by the seat and the parts of my body that were in contact with the seat - but I am sure you don't want to hear about that.  To offer proof, here are pictures taken at the 1K and 19K mark.  As you can see the effects of exercise were minimal...

 

 

Tiger and me - tales of medical miracles

Tiger Woods went under the knife last week and yesterday projected anything from a six to twelve month recovery. This does not augur well for the golf economy as ratings plummet and any winner of a big tournament will forever have an asterisk next to their victory signifying it was achieved in Tiger's absence.

Today, I too went under the knife, well the arthroscope actually, as renowned Akron surgeon Tom Bear completed repairs to my dodgy knee. Unlike Tiger, my injuries were not the result of either excessive training (please control your laughter) or the enormous torque generated by my golf swing.  However my prognosis is for a return to action in a few weeks so Akron's golf elite will not have to worry about their triumphs being devalued for too long.

Tiger's rehab will no doubt defy all expectations as the world's foremost trainers, nutritionists, physiotherapists and investment bankers dedicate themselves to his return to dominance.  My approach will be a little more considered.  It started a couple of hours ago on my return from the hospital with an intensive session of Halo 3 on-line as I reaffirmed my rank as the worst Elite warrior in all cyberspace.  After a couple of days of further thumb exercises, I will move on to exercising the full range of motion in my right arm, first with a few glasses of Merlot before moving on to a few pints of Europe's finest ale.  As my strength builds, my legs will get in on the act through a couple of strenuous walks with the family Labrador and maybe a hike around Sam's Club. I expect to be fully functional in time for a short trip to Vegas with my darling wife in a couple of weeks and can see a lucrative return from the gaming tables.  By the end of the month I should be primed for week of sun and cocktails in St. Kitts.  I may even hit the links and re-establish my pre-eminence while Tiger is left fuming in Florida, although I'm sure Elin will offer suitable comfort...

The pain and the glory

Last Wednesday at the age of 46 I made my debut as an American Football player.  The occasion was a Dad's versus Lads game of touch football at my son's scout camp.  Of course, brains and experience triumphed over youth and speed as we cruised to a 21-0 victory.  We did steal one player from the opposition who just happened to be an incredibly fit and very large high school senior to be, but the real revelation was the performance of yours truly.  In a game for the ages, your humble correspondent scored all three touchdowns with a series of ever more spectacular receptions of which Jerry Rice would have been proud.  I also effortlessly nabbed two interceptions, one of which was converted into a touchdown.  Did I hear the words MVP?  

Of course all this goes to show is what a ridiculously easy game American Football is, when an overweight ex-rugby player can so thoroughly dominate on his first outing. Best of all my son was actually quite impressed by his father's performance; my darling wife failed to see my heroics as after a few minutes she could watch no more for fear my heart would give out!  

At the game's conclusion it was high-fives and chest bumps all round as sweat oozed from my every pore.  Its been a long time since I felt an adrenalin rush like that.  Of course there was a price to pay and for the last two days I have been barely able to walk as my left knee decided to expand in size and ice became my constant companion.  At least I now have something in common with Tiger Woods. Like Tiger I think I should also shut it down for the year. In fact I think I will call it a career in gridiron and retire with my gaudy statistics in tact.  With numbers like these, it should all but guarantee me enshrinement just down the road in Canton...